Life update: I have sassy bangs now, so I’m going to be one sassy motherfucker. Ya know, something new and different for 2020. You’re welcome.

And now, for the holidays the USA does not deserve.

Spoiler alert! For white people, it’s all of them.

1. Martin Luther King, Jr Day

To be wildly clear: I absolutely think we should have a day where only POC get the day off work AND reparation checks get mailed (YES ANNUALLY, at least until every white person tells their racist uncle to STFU about how long ago slavery was at Thanksgiving AND can write a 2-3 page analysis of at least one season of The Wire that indicates they understood it and empathize with a black character), and I would totally not get in the way of this being referred to as MLK day because I’d be too busy shitting rainbows of joy.

To be wildly clearer: MLK Day, at present, is an excuse for white people to pat themselves on the back because they don’t use the n-word and shared the same quote from the “I Have a Dream” speech as all the other Stepford Wives.

Look, hoes. Dexter Scott King, MLK’s son, said in 1997 that he didn’t buy that we know how and why MLK died. He has a point; the government was not exactly losing sleep over the death of its most effective critic. It’s a fucking insult that instead of even acknowledging the FBI had beef with our main man, our country would rather celebrate some #goodvibes and pretend color-blind politics actually accomplish anything.

In conclusion, MLK day exists to promote the lie that racism is dead, particularly amongst our “moderate” Americans. Fuck that.

Also, most Americans who self-identify as moderate: you’re not moderate, you’re a conservative who won’t even muster a participation trophy.

2. Christmas

This way, you no longer have to get offended when strangers can’t guess you actually believe Christ the Zombie King rose from the dead and that this mythology is a core part of your identity, right after “blond,” “mom” and “cunt.” Seriously, find me one human specimen more snowflake-y than a frickin’ self-righteous soccer mom #onemillionmoms.

Let’s just all admit we want an excuse to be lazy for a week, and just be fucking lazy for a week. Of course, assuming ALL of us get the day off (even the EMTs, so go easy on the spiked egg nog) this would be the opposite of a holiday for our billionaire overlords who would be cruelly forced to go without their household staff. Fortunately, learning how to make your own peppermint hot chocolate builds character.

Most importantly, The Nightmare Before Christmas can stay, but Tim Burton can’t.

3. Independence Day

Until we can celebrate the freedom of land-owning white men without scaring the living crap out of our veterans with PTSD and puppies – the two most universally loved things in this country – we’re not grown up enough to deserve our status as an independent nation.

Given the current shitshow that is the United Kingdom, maybe we should seek adoption from Canada rather than moving into Daddy’s basement. Maybe the European Union would make an exception for us if we pull off the Trump impeachment?

Or maybe we could just grow the fuck up? Complete our assignments and read the article, not just the headline. Cut out our toxic Fox & Friends. Learn to play well with others (coughs *socialism* coughs). Apply some self-care principals to our broken skeleton. I mean infrastructure. I really hate writing in metaphor.

But seriously, how about doing our homework, guys? It is an election year, after all.

4. Halloween

Bare (this is an intentional typo that will be hilarious shortly) with me a second. I’m going to try another rhetorical device.

So whenever some dumbass, presumably hetero, Lacrosse bro says that women should “cover up” so they don’t get sexually assaulted I’m like…

BRO. THAT. IS. NOT. WHAT. YOU. WANT.

Or should we pull up your Pornhub history?

However, sure, you let rape culture flourish, some women (myself included) are going to take their tits out less. This is an American tragedy that results in less fun for everyone. But! The only way to free the titties is for you to start telling your fellow lacrosse bros what to do — aka tell them not to encourage the thing that pisses everyone off (being a dick to women).

Same thing with fucking Halloween. It’s not the folks-who-point-out-racist-costumes-are-racist that gots to go in the dumpster. It’s the racist costumes — their creators can simply stay home, but they don’t get any candy.

In conclusion, my Utopian Halloween is actually a clothing optional dance party we don’t invite lacrosse bros to. Can we just always leave them at home so we can have nice things?

5. Thanksgiving

I actually kind of forgot about this one because most of my friends reject colonialism and embrace pie. And Friendsgiving is such a wholesome concept!

That being said, I revoke our right to Thanksgiving because of the 23.674% of “progressives” who allow their Trump-supporting dickhead relatives to break bread with the very people 45’s administration oppresses.

How fucking dare you invite a gay person and someone who supports conversion therapy to the same meal, and accuse the gay one of making it personal?

How fucking dare you invite a black person and someone who may very well wear a Confederate flag T-shirt to the same meal, and tell the historically oppressed guest not to get offended?

You want an inclusive meal? Invite people who value inclusivity. Then see how well those rugged individualists do without mom to do their laundry and baste their turkey #Thoreauburn

 

TLDR: America doesn’t deserve any fucking holidays until we elect Bernie